OK friendly readers of Fat Girl Food Squad. I’m going to be 100% honest with you. I find it really awkward to be a girl sometimes. I don’t understand all the hard work and effort it takes to be a girl. I feel sometimes like a lot of the time spent is kind of ridiculous. In one sense, I guess I am what some would consider a tomboy. Perhaps more of a femme-version. But it has taken some adaptations (over the years) for me to even get where I am now (and a lot of fighting with my mom, who I should note is a total babe).
In childhood, I always found that I wanted to hang out with the boys and be ‘one of them’. In middle-school, I hung out with all the skateboarders and I would skate around town with my Alien Workshop deck and baggy jeans. But I always felt more comfortable and at ease around guys. Like I wasn’t competing for a popularity spot around them. Now keep in mind, I never actually had any confusion or discomfort with my assigned gender. I thought my female body was pretty bad-ass, even for an awkward teen.
But life around boys on the baseball team or at the punk shows never felt catty, it just felt comfortable – especially in groups. I found myself far more comfortable surrounded by boys than girls. Girls (in packs) always seemed to pick on me and my larger than life Dumbo ears (which I later had pinned back in surgery) and my huge front teeth, whereas guys didn’t give two fucks about my lack of athletic ability or unfortunate tomboy looks. This gave me the ability to grow confidence about myself in so many different ways because it made me not give any fucks about what anyone else thought about me. Case in point: I remember my mom taking me clothing shopping one day. I told her very vividly (as she tried very earnestly to get me into more girly clothing): “If people don’t accept me for who I am, then I don’t want to be friends with them anyways.” – Ama at age 13.
But as I grew older, I gained a reputation for being – ahem – a little rough and tumble, if you will. I’m from Mississauga, what can I say? I was not a wimp and never backed down from anyone or anything, I rarely showed emotion and I always laughed at dirty jokes. I also spent A LOT of time on the Internet. Which in that time, was like AOL start-up disks (LOL) and IRC.
It was also around this time that I realized I needed to soften myself and I guess conform to society, which made me so angry. I hate bras. I hate wearing makeup. I hate high-heels. I hate all of those things that define ‘being a woman’. But naturally, I began to succumb to the expectations that society had for me as a woman. I began to stray away from my masculine traits and started to dress more feminine. All because: I felt like this would make me be more accepted. By whom: I’m not entirely sure. But I grew into this new gender role that I created for myself.
Going through college, one of my teachers told me that if I wanted to obtain a good paying job that I wouldn’t be able to dress the way I did (at this time, I was dressing more girly but with an ‘artistic flair’ as she called it) and my mother nearly lost her shit every time she saw what I was wearing. She would always ask me why I just couldn’t just wear ‘nicer things’. I wanted to just throw my hands into the sky and say: WHY GOD. WHY. Isn’t there a happy medium where I can just stop impressing people and just be comfortable. But I think that was it right there: I needed to STOP impressing people.
All throughout my 20s, I started to ask myself if this was how I wanted to identify. I feel like now I can adequately call myself a femme-tomboy and I have finally come to the realization if people don’t like it, fuck em (age 13 Ama, coming back at em!). But the funny thing is: people do like it. I’m always stopped on the street asking where I’ve gotten my glasses, shoes, purse or some may different items. It’s flattering and I love sharing. There are days where the femme in me takes over and other days where the tomboy in me takes over. But overall, what I really desire is to just be free from the pressures that have forced me to confine myself to these simplified versions of the female gender. I would have to say these last two years, I have felt way more comfortable in my skin and body and everything surrounding who I am as a person. I have learned to just be me, no matter what. Because tomboy or not, I am still me.Tags: All the Fucks None Given, Ama Scriver, Boys, fat babe, Feminism, food babe, Gender, Gender Equality, Gender Roles, Girls, Growing Up, lookin good girl, Mississauga, Puberty, Sexuality, Skateboarding, TomBoy